If you are a subscriber to my monthly newsletter, The Coach’s Time Out – you heard the news that my new niece Taylor Anne Slaten joined sister Kylie Renee Slaten on July 20th. So fun!!! Here’s the article and please post your comments below…. I posted a few I got via email. Also, check out Mike Ma’s MVP story – he’s an amazing man and a joy to coach for sure!!! Enjoy!
Here’s the link to the radio show blog where we first explored this subject. Or just listen in while you peruse by clicking below.
THE ROI OF FORGIVENESS
Can you forgive someone and not trust them? Must you trust someone in order to forgive them? Why does forgiveness in the business world matter, anyway?
Almost weekly, I find myself talking about this important topic with clients. Just last week I launched into it on my “Ask Shandel” show. www.shandel.com .
The relationship between trust and forgiveness is key. I find when coaching teams that they often do not forgive because they are not ready to trust. Yet, once we work through the distinction of the words, a softening toward forgiveness begins to occur.
These are deep concepts, and I cannot really coach thoroughly here on the deep matters of the heart, soul and spirit. However, I want to open your mind to consider the next action step you may need to take in learning more.
This month we will discuss forgiveness, and next month we will tie it together with trust. (Would love your thoughts in the meantime.)
DECIDE TO FORGIVE
Forgiveness is a decision. To forgive, one makes a choice with one’s will. A good practical definition of forgiveness is, Giving up my right to hurt you, even though you hurt me. It is about releasing a debt owed – almost like severing the bond the debt has on you when you have not forgiven the wrong against you.
Many of the wrongs in the workplace are behavior and motivation issues that manifest from a miscommunication or misunderstanding. When I go into an organization to clean up chemistry and culture issues, I start with the communication and conflicting motivator styles. It is there where we unearth many issues of unforgiveness and silent bitterness. A lack of forgiveness destroys teams and literally causes sickness.
Maybe you are like me. At times I don’t deal with an offense head on; I revert to other coping mechanisms in an effort to get the person to understand the pain. I punish the person with my bad attitude, ill treatment, or loud silence, trying to make the scoundrel pay for the offense – or at least realize he or she has committed a crime. What I really desire is for this colleague to draw close to me and apologize.
BITTERNESS IS INEFFECTIVE
Sorry, folks. You as the “victim” are usually the only one aware of the real or perceived offense. Meanwhile the “villain” is blissfully unaware he or she has offended you or caused you pain. Most people you are angry and bitter at are seriously unaware of the hurt and pain they have caused you. Shocking, huh?
So how ineffective is my bitter behavior? Do we really think that the other person is somehow going to figure all of it out? That they will learn from my snippy answers and nonverbal withdrawal exactly what they have done to offend, and then know what to do to make it right?
Come on. Really!
They just experience YOU as a pissed-off person, and probably surmise you are an over-sensitive, defensive jerk.
KEEP SHORT ACCOUNTS
I know you don’t want to hear this about your colleagues, but they most likely are not trying to make your life that miserable. If they are, you need to confront it in a loving, kind, effective way with the goal of restoring relationship.
If you do not confront the issue, or choose to forgive, you end up being the one carrying the hurt around like a backpack of heavy rocks. To move successfully and lightly through life we must keep these accounts short. Meaning, deal with conflict and misunderstandings in a timely fashion!
Forgiveness frees up time, energy, and life-giving resources. It is the path to effective living and successful results. I urge you to look at your team and if there is anyone you feel you cannot forgive, then give yourself a gift and do it anyway.
Next time we’ll discuss how trust is different than forgiveness.
Your Coach,
Shandel
Succesful People Living with Intention: Mike Ma
This month’s MVP is Mike Ma, of Judy’s Book www.judysbook.com – and other entrepreneurial adventures. If someone asks me what I am looking for in an “ideal” client, Mike is my new example. This 27-year-old signed up for three months of coaching, and was engaged for 90 days straight-and he’s still growing! Usually I wait a bit to see if quick growth is real and the client is going to truly live life with intention. Not with Mike, though: I knew it within weeks. He challenged his belief systems, changed h is internal story, and created his purpose statement in lightning speed. That’s not all, though. What also impresses me is Mike’s sincere desire to make a difference in the world and to use his life to serve others. His love of business and entrepreneurship is contagious, yet his commitment to living with purpose and on mission is even more infectious. I want you to get to know this guy. He’s got a long runway, and I can’t wait to see where he flies!
Here’s Mike…
After leaving a cushy corporate job to pursue a dream of being an entrepreneur running a business, I ended up at Judy’s Book www.judysbook.com, a local business reviews and recommendations website for soccer moms. It was a start to an exciting but also stressful time.
I began to see my own identity closely tied to the performance of the company; I was happy when things were going up, and I was depressed when things were going down. My outlook on life was dim and purposeless, and above all, I felt like the rest of my tomorrows will be an endless repeat of today.
Around the same time, I began to get this nagging feeling that something better was just around the corner. If I only changed my perspective a little, the things I thought were impossible would become a possibility. I wanted to find a life coach who had gone before me, who also had a great track record, to show me the blind spots in my life.
So I hired Shandel and right away she helped me gain clarity through her assessments to understand who I am and how I am wired. Being equipped with this knowledge has helped me to accept myself as I am, as opposed to always trying to fit into a mold of what a successful entrepreneur should be. This clarity also brought in newfound confidence in the strength and the gifts I already had in myself.
And there was more. Part of the process of getting to the next level involved understanding why I am the way I am, think the way I think, and respond the way I respond. I am an aggressive go-getter, and could never understand why there are some things I just couldn’t internalize.
One of the breakthroughs was that I had carried many wounds from disappointments and hurts in life. As a result, I believed lies that I’ve told myself as a means to protect myself. All those manifested themselves in my behavior as either my strong need to control, or passiveness in some areas and fear towards certain situations.
Through the coaching journey, not only did Shandel help me to see the hindrances that pulled me back, but also understood my strengths, clarified my values, and best of all, brought clarity and confidence for myself and where I am on this life journey.
I often wondered how I could change the world if I am so wrapped up in my own little world. But now I am freed to see beyond myself. I am now equipped with tools and knowledge to continue to grow, to learn, to heal and to impact this world with my unique gifts and purpose. The company performance doesn’t define me, my bank account doesn’t define me, and being an entrepreneur doesn’t define me. What defines me is where I’ve placed my hope and my future.
I know the road won’t be easy and I will stumble but I know I have what it takes to face all the exciting possibilities. One thing I know for certain, I have a new desire that my heart beats loudly for, and that is beyond myself – I want to help people to live their lives to the fullest.
–Mike Ma
We had quite a week around here! Taylor Anne Slaten is here to join big sister Kylie in the Slaten household. My brother, Marcus, pictured here with his wife Ericka were surprised 3 weeks early to a 6:51am birth of sweet Baby Taylor. All is great with her 5 lbs 11 ounces 17 inches and born on my deceased grandma (Goppy to us) Raynelle Slaten’s birthday.
This week on the show we were reflecting on the early marriage of teens who have pledged to wait to have sex until their wedding night. It quickly led into the pros and cons of getting married young. The interesting dialogue on both sides of the issue took a turn toward making sure you make choices and live life according to your values and what is important to you. If you do not voice your desires and needs you do not have a right to be bitter and angry later in life when you feel you did not fulfill your dreams.
Our show this week was ….well … interesting. All morning Bill and Connie has been discussing “the number” and whether you should be honest about it with your significant other. We decided to continue to the conversation on the show and I spoke on the importance of honesty in marriage. It was a controversial and interesting show that’s for sure.
This week’s show highlighted the newsletter article from this month’s “The Coach’s TimeOut” on the need for a new normal. You can read the the post below for details and I would love to hear what you are doing to stabilize your environment, bring assurance to your people, and implement discipline to create new habits and outcomes.
This month’s newsletter is up on the 
